I am sick of scammers/spammers

I have never won anything in my life.You know how you always guess if a pregnant friend is having a boy or a girl?If she carries low it's a boy or she doesn't look pregnant from the back then it's a girl.Every time I would try and guess the sex of a baby,rest assured I would ALWAYS be wrong.100% of the time.Before I completely lie to you all,I must tell you that I did win once on a Lotto ticket.I was so excited,shouting and what not when I went to collect my money that people started gathering around me thinking I had won the actual BIG one.I had won ZAR17.00(that's USD 1.70).Bearing these facts in mind,please note that despite this consistent bad luck when it comes to winning money,that out of the 6 billion people plus on this earth,I have been chosen (in the past month alone) by no fewer than at least 10 people to share in their good fortune by accepting their money into my account.Here are some of my e mails received.

1-Acknowledge / Partnership Needed
An Iraqi made a fixed deposit of 20.5m usd in my bank (Hang Seng Bank,Hong Kong) where am a director and he died with his entire family in the war leaving behind no next of kin,am ready to share 70/30 with you if you choose to stand as my deceased client next of kin.
Please in your reply let me have your full names, contact residential address and telephone number.Kindly respond to my private e-mail account below;
(that's USD 6.15m for me)

2-I need your partnership
I am Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan Executive Director & Chief financial Officer of Hang Seng Bank Ltd, Hong Kong. I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you; it involves the transfer of a large sum of money. If you are interested in working with me contact me through my private email (this one sends variation of the same e mail,sometimes asking for personal details,sometimes not)

3-Beloved Friend,
I am Mrs. Sherry Buoy Jaunther from Holland. I am married to Dr.Harry Jaunther a Kenyan who worked with a construction company in Asia for twenty Years before he died in the tsunami disasters, we were married but without Any children and presently I am 70 Years old. When my late husband was Alive he deposited the sum of $9.5M. (Nine Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S.Dollars)with a Security Company.
Am presently in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment Cancer of the lungs, I want you to use 90% of this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world but in my name Mrs.Sherry Jaunther.
As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the details and the information of the Security Co.,
God Bless You!
Mother Sherry Buoy
(that's USD 950 000 for me I think as payment for distributing the remainder to charities-very trusting these people!)

4-From: Mr.Elijah John
Abidjan Cote D Ivoire
West Africa.
Dear sir.
Request for Fund Transfer and Partnership.
Having consulted with my colleagues, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer the sum of $8,000,000.00 (Eight million United States dollars) into your accounts.
The above Sum resulted from an Over-Invoiced Contract, Executed, Commissioned and paid for about five years (5) ago by an American Contractor. This action was however intentional and since then the fund has been in a suspense account at The Apex Bank here.
We are now ready to transfer the fund overseas and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as Civil Servants, we are forbidden to Operate and own a Foreign Account; that is why we require your assistance.
The Transfer is Risk Free on Both Sides as all Documentation, Approvals and Formalities for the funds transfer will be Secured and put in perfect place in your name before the transfer is carried out.
1) Your Full Name......................................
2) Your Age...............................................
3) Marital Statuses....................................
4) Your Cell Phone Number........................
5) Your Fax Number.................................
6) Your Country........................................
7) Your Occupation..................................
8) Private E-mail Address.........................
The above information will enable us file in all Necessary Documentations at our High Court Probate Division for the Release of the Fund in You Favor. I intend to invest my own share in Your Country under Your Management in any Viable Business Venture as you may advise.
I will give you modalities soon as i hear from you.
Thanks and God bless you.
Yours Faithfully
Mr. Elijah John
(I think in this case I will keep the entire USD 8M-does anybody know what the word "modalities" means?

5-With merging of my bank Abn Amro N.V. with Barclay's Bank Plc United Kingdom, I was made head of service in my department by the Boards of
directors of my bank ABN AMRO N.V. (The Netherlands) to compile all credit accounts that has been in operation with the bank under my
department/supervision. Details About The Merging News Visit The Web Sitebelow:http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6469417.stm
Through my compilation of accounts, I discovered a credit account with A/C N0:NL85ABNA6008341843 and (?7,467,000.00 Euros) deposited, On further
trace came across the file and found out that the account has be inactive for more than Nine (9) years.The true owner of this funds/ account was
Engineer Christian Eich, a German who Ran carmaker BMW's museum unfortunately lost his life,including his wife and two children in the
plane crash (Flight AF4590) which crashed on July 31st 2000 killing all 109 people on board. Details
About The Plane Crash Visit The WebSite Below: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm
Regarding the short period of Twenty-One (21) working days allowed confirming and submitting the reports by the Board of directors of my
bank, which may lead to the cancellation or terminating of the account.I have chosen to seek your consent to work with me as a team and pull out
this fund under the legitimacy as the heir apparent of Late Engineer Christian Eich.Contact me immediately with your full Name,
Address,Age,Occupation, telephone and fax Numbers about the Details and modalities of this project/ transaction to my private email address
(this one's got links to sites and stuff.He even sends his tel nos and details.Is he looking to get fired,maybe?I never went there,just in case,oh you never know what's waiting for you there)

6-Abidjan Cote D' Ivoire(you have to read this one)
West Africa
Dearest One(I am?)Greetings
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you.
I am glades Fathia kala the only daugther of late Mr and Mrs George kala from the republic of sierra loene. My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant based in Abidjan, the economic capital of Cote D'Ivoire before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discuss on a business deal.
When my mother died when i was a baby, my father took me so special because I am motherless. Before the death of my father on 27th June 2005 in a private hospital here in Abidjan. He secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of $9.500.000 left in a security company here in Cote d'ivoire, that he used my name as her only daugther for the next of kin in deposit of the consignment.
Further more he also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money his business associates supposed to balance him from the deal they had that he was been poisoned.He then advised that I should seek for a God fearing foreign partner (well,well,well)in a country of my choice who will assist me retrieve this consignment and transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, then I would want you to provide your personal contacts including your phone/fax number for easier communication.
I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways.
1) I want you to help me retrieve this money from the security company here and transfer it to your account for onward investment in your country.(yes South Africa does need it) 2) You are going to be the manager of this fund and also my personal guardian until I finished my studies as I'm just 23 years old.(yes I definitely am looking for more responsiblity over and above the two children I have now). 3) You are going to procure admission for me to continue my studies in one of the known university in your country.

4) Moreover, I am willing to offer you 25% of the sum(thank you so much) as compensation for effort input after the successful retrieve of this consignment from the security company here.
And I am willing to proceed with you as soon as I have your response.
Anticipating to hear from you soon.
Miss Glades Fathia Kala(am definitely going to e mail this one)

Anyway the list goes on and on and then to add insult to injury I got an e mail with a link I might need to visit to "get her to worship your hose"-I don't think it has anything to do with gardening.

So anyway the book above is about turning the tables on e mail scammers.I saw a book once where the guy actually contacted the scammers and said he cannot accept his payment in USD for tax reasons so he would prefer a few cows and maybe 2 lions and they said ok,then he asked if he could also have a talking lion maybe and they said that's fine and then he asked if they could send a video of the talking lion.This goes on and on but I cannot remember or find the name of that book.I have no idea if the above book is as funny but I hope so......
Scamorama: Turning the Tables on Email Scammers